Where to Watch: Netflix
If you could condense every major trope, cliché, and trend of early 2000’s kid movies into a single film, you’d probably end up with something like this. Zoom is a cheesy little movie about a middle-aged Tim Allen mentoring a group of young superheroes in the art of world-saving. Chock-full of hokey special effects, cringeworthy dialogue, questionable costume designs, one-
dimensional characters, nonsensical science, baffling plot points, and lots and lots and LOTS of Smash Mouth, Zoom is the perfect movie to watch if quarantine has got you yearning for the simpler low-effort movies of your childhood.
Scales: Mermaids Are Real
Where to Watch: Netflix
The title is just the tip of the iceberg. This mind-frying abomination of a movie centers around Siren, who finds herself thrown headfirst into a dangerous world of magic and mystery after discovering that she is, in fact, a mermaid. Also, Jack Dylan Grazer is there for some reason. Scales: Mermaids Are Real offers viewers a mess of terrible acting, bizarre lore, terrifying effects, and one major character death that’s way more disturbing than it has any right to be. Do not watch this movie while sleep deprived, word of advice.
Where to Watch: Disney+
This movie is what happens when Lucasfilm tries to make something other than Star Wars. Strange Magic tells the story of an ancient rivalry between a kingdom of fairies and a nation of….goblin bug creature things. It is also one of the ugliest animated movies ever put on the big screen, one of the most annoying movies ever written, and one of the worst movie plots ever conceived by a human being. It’s also a musical. Hooray. If unappetizing character designs and musicals where no one can sing better than a high school theater class are your jam, then Strange Magic is the garbage fire for you!
Where to Watch: Available to rent on YouTube movies for $5.99
C’mon, this one has to be on the list! Cats is the movie infamous for poorly superimposing its actors’ faces onto horrifying CGI humanoid cat bodies, but that’s just scratching the surface of the nightmare! If you can make it past the eldritch horror of CGI and neon this movie calls an intro, you’ll be treated to a world of rapid-fire nonsense songs, Jason Derulo yelling about milk, choreography resembling a sparkly seizure more than anything, Taylor Swift drugging a crowd with catnip, and a dragged out plot that makes absolutely NO sense whatsoever. It’s even got a scene where singing cockroaches get eaten alive by Rebel Wilson! It honestly doesn’t get any more traumatizing than this, folks! Go ahead, watch Cats. But don’t say you weren’t warned.